those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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