Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
