i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
