I have demons in me.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
