wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
