i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
