Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
