There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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