one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
