god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
