So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My ass is underappreciated
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
