the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
