An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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