I am puke
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
