we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
