I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
of course. lets lasso hookers.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
