you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
