I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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