I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
