I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
