That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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