So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
