The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize