I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
