Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
A bitchslap is in order.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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