I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
and she was petting her beer can
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
