How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
