He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
