FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
