Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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