just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
