my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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