my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
