I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
