Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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