My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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