Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
