I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
