I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize