you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
