Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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