Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think I sprained my soul last night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
