True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
