im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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