they need to just BURY HIM!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
