maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
