So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
