John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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