Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
