Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think I sprained my soul last night
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
