what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
They took my balls.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
