Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
