I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
