I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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