he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
