You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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