Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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