u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
