I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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