I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
