The maid of honor just puked.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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