He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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