just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
