i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
