there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
