Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize