Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
