I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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