I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I fill condoms, not promises.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
