Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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